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Archive for June, 2008

Next?

I’ve been really deep in my own head lately. It seems too personal to share, feels futile to talk about, and is just encompassing and overwhelming.

I started my new job with the hope and excitement that we all start new jobs with. I knew when I took the position (as it’s the same position as my last hell gig) that it is not something I want to do with my life. Hell, it’s not something I particularly enjoy, and it is not personally fulfilling in any way. But it got me back into the nonprofit world. A world with meaning. A world where the mission gives back, even if the work does not.

I was right. The mission does give back some. The dysfunction is also mind boggling. I am constantly astounded by the way things “work” here. I know that being more involved in direct program work would make a world of difference in my tolerance of the chaos, and I did come to this place because there will be room for movement with time. But, right now, I don’t know quite how to process it all and make it a positive thing. I’m not good at rolling with it, and feeling this enormous sense of being disheartened is making every small chaotic explosion that occurs something much, much bigger to me.

I’m frozen with the sense: This can’t be all. This is not all there is. I want to do more than this.

I don’t feel cut off from possibility. It’s the opposite—I find the amount of possibility out there overwhelming. I don’t trust myself to choose well, or choose correctly. None of my big Make A Huge Change plans have worked out. I’ve learned a lot of really valuable lessons, and I know that life is a series of steps—not a destination point—but I would really like to start proceeding with less major lessons and more day-to-day happiness and confidence. Does that happen?

I’ve been having this conversation for years. What next? What now? How do I choose? I’m tired of having it with myself. I think others are tired of hearing it from me. More and more when I try to talk out loud about it, I feel like I’m faced with others’ judgment and interpretations, and not supported by people who actually hear me or want to help me sort it through. “People make life changes all the time. There’s no reason you can’t just start over.” (Is it really that easy?) “You haven’t liked a job for as long as I’ve known you. I don’t even think you liked one before I knew you.” (So I decide not to like my work, or I create bad workplace situations?) “You just need to move back home and do this or do that!” (As much as it would be nice to be closer to you, and as attractive as that sometimes sounds, it will not solve my problems.) “If you moved someplace with a lower cost of living…” (Cost of living is irrelevant. I still don’t know what I want to do. And, I live on the super cheap.) Maybe I’ve talked about it too much. Maybe it’s just my defensiveness. Maybe it’s just that I’m so stuck.

There is so much possibility. How do I take a possibility and make it possible? And what if it all goes wrong? And where do I find the time to research the possibility and start moving forward? “Making” time isn’t simple.

Round and round I go, a whirlpool in my head, tiredness in my body, and reaching to find a piece that I can call a foundation to start building my Next upon.

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