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Archive for March, 2010

This is hard

All this impending change… it’s time to ACT, but action seems somehow disrespectful to the upheaval this is causing in my relationship. I don’t have a lot of choice. Things need to get done. I’m torn. I’m hurting. He’s hurting. Things right now just feel like This Better Be Worth It. It will be. Right?

I’m driving up to my hometown Monday to pick up my father’s old bedroom set that my sister kindly offered to store for 3 months about 10 months ago. I rented a cargo van, which is not an easy task, and will drive up one day and come back the next. The bedroom set will get dropped off at the farm.

My biggest fear right now is the loneliness that will be the first few weeks at the least. I think I’m going to be living alone for the first spate of time. I haven’t lived alone since 1998ish. I really do love the life that I currently have. Leaving that life, not the job stuff, but the life—the community, comfort, love, that I currently have—is terrifying. I don’t want to be lonely. Sitting alone at night and endlessly on the phone or turning to the TV for company. I don’t want to miss my boyfriend, my dog, my friends, the joy and comfort that I find in my day to day right now. I know and recognize that part of this huge change is knowing that the path I’m on will not lead to Happy. It will not lead to Less Stressed Out. It will not lead to any of the things I want for my life, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t the good points. The happy points. The things that I just have to hope that this will make up for, and that the new normal will have as many Happy Points as right now… once I get there.

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That’s right. FIVE weeks from today my whole world is going to change. I have been dreaming about this day since I left the farm in 2004. Now, I’m nervous, and slightly terrified, and cautiously little-kid excited.

Last week, everything came to a head. There will not be another contract offered from the comfortable, but not happy-making, current job. So, no back-up plan that I did not plan on taking but somehow felt more cushiony comfortable. And, I will have to move to the farm to work on the farm. That was a big detail that got left out in the deal negotiations these past several months. And lordy, what an email chain of angst that was. So, I will go live on the farm, because I want this. The boyfriend and I will make it work and figure it out in separate houses but still together. Then, a date was set. April 5, 2010, I report for duty. I will be a farm worker.

Five weeks.

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